Complexities of the Body

So, the working out continues--as does the evolution of body image(s). It's strange how many things I have to think about regarding self and the like. This, of course, isn't that big of a suprise--I like thinking about myself, and probably search out things to think about. But I think the past year has been a little bit of a rude awakening for me regarding life and love and my future--aging and being alone in my old age and all that good stuff seems more real now. Some of that has to do with 'The Breakup'(tm), but, as is becoming more and more clear, that the breakup is somewhat just a lens with which to focus my attention on the greater sphere of my life in general.

The facts are these: I don't want children, and my prospects for long-term partners in love and life seem sort of dim at the moment. But not just at the moment--and I'm not being pessimistic here, I think, but rather realistic and pragmatic. Thing is, I'm not so in need of having significant others, the older I get--and in a way I never was. I mean, I think that I can be a person who really wants and needs that, but I also think I can be a person who doesn't need or want that--given that I still have some friends. It's not a simple choice or anything, but it is a choice of a sort. So, there's that. But also: I don't want kids. As such, when I get very much older (or sooner!), and friends start dying off or whatever, I'll be very much alone. And that is truthfully very hard to face. But no so hard that I'm willing to give up very much of what I want now (i.e. somebody who loves me for both who I am and who I can become, etc.) for the possibility of having that later. (Combined with the fact that the chances of somebody falling out of love with me or my falling out of love with them seems pretty high, given my experience.)

Love and Biceps
And what does all of this have to do with body image? Well, it has to do with this: At least some of my motivation for doing more exercise is to be more attractive to potential loves. This is hard for me to admit, because it sort of feels like one of the wrong reasons for exercising--especially since it seems to be the case that I'm more interested in being/looking healthy/athletic since being broken up with...why wasn't I more concerned with looking/feeling hot for my lover when I had one? A lot of my motivation for exercising more, to be clear, doesn't have to do with how I look to others--it has to do with wanting to fight depression, enjoying feeling more energetic and healthier and the like. But that doesn't mean I should ignore the other stuff. Another problem with this sort of motivation is it lends credit to something that is pretty patently false--that if I had been in better shape or some such, that I woulnd't have to have suffered a breakup. (Of course I think about this in the mental and emotional arenas, too--if I had been more healthy emotionally for instance...etc.) And (given the situation as well as what was told to me upon being broken up with) this just isn't the case. So I ought to be avoiding thinking in these ways, consciously or unconsciously.

There's noting inherently wrong with wanting to look healthy/hot, I think. I get that. But I don't want it to be my primary motivation, because I think that's really a bad trap--we all get old, most of us will get ill, and we'll all die. So attractiveness can't (and isn't, in my experience) be just about the physical. Still, it's probably also important to keep in mind that it is probably going to be somewhat about the physical, for me. But sometimes, just now, it feels like it's just about the physical.

What it comes down to is this: I would much rather think to myself, as I run or lift weights or bike, "God, this feels good," than think to myself, "I hope this gets me love/gets me laid." (Again, I don't find myself explicitly thinking any of these thoughts--but they may be there in the background.)

Or perhaps I just have to work on thinking both of those at the same time.


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Health