Just What I Needed, More to Think About
So my first therapy session was pretty much as expected. A few nice suprises that have nothing to do with therapy at all, really: It didn't rain when I went into SF for my appointment last night (I had some worries that if it rained a lot I'd use it as an excuse to not go). Also, it's not so far from 24th street BART, Papalote(sp?)--one of my favorite taquerias in the whole world-- and Lex's pad, so there are some plusses for traipsing into SF aside from just getting healthier. Sometimes I need little bonuses to push me over the top when it comes to facing my problems. (The promise of new shampoo/toothpaste/soap has often been the only thing that gets me out of bed on down days.)

Some things that were not much of a suprise, therapy-wise:
I cried. That was pretty much a given, and I said as much when I first sat down. Of course, crying while I was telling her that I'd probably cry wasn't something I really expected. I obviously needed to cry. This explains why I teared up during "Ever After" at movie night a coupla weeks ago.

There was a clock prominently displayed. It's weird to be watching the clock while you're pouring your heart/mind out. But it was strangely comforting and focusing, actually. I tended to get back to my point (maybe) more often, though I still managed to ramble quite a bit.

My therapist is hot in the butchy-dyke-ish way that I tend to like. This did not suprise me. I have a feeling that no matter what my therapist looks like, I'll have some sort of attraction to him/her simply because of power dynamics mixed with my intense need to be heard right now. But still. Argh. I don't need complex relationships with my therapist. Of course, she turns out to be the sort of therapist (so far) that I am looking for, so I'm going to try to just ignore the hot thing. Given that most of the time I'm just blubbering along, I tended to forget my attraction anyway.

I quickly learned about a blind spot that I have. Again, not much of a suprise...that's one of the main reasons that I wanted to go. She early on pointed out that anger and sadness/depression are usually thought of as linked--sometimes to the point that some people think depression is mostly repressed anger. I wouldn't go quite so far in my case, but I think that it's amazing that I didn't link my anger and my sadness. I thought they might have similar root causes, but I didn't put it together that repressing one might cause the other (and I think that happens in both directions with these two emotional states, for me). Seeing this connection explicitly will help me to manage/change/grow regarding them both. I hope.

Some things that did suprise me:
It was pretty emotionally draining. Not sure why this suprised me, but it did. I guess I haven't had a real venting session with anybody in a long while. I forget how tiring it can be--to the point that I start to worry about my therapist--how in the world can she listen to hours and hours (not just me, but clients before/after me) of this stuff, empathize, and not just be completely utterly drained. I woulnd't be able to compartmentalize it enough, I think. I'd go crazy. er. Crazier.

I found myself morbidly joking around a stranger. I thought that I would take the whole thing pretty seriously, but I guess as a defense mechanism of some sort, I made a lot of jokes at my own expense. Or should I say "jokes". Lots of stuff about how I'm crazy and all that. I was suprised by my inhibition of talking about myself, to some degree. Usually I have no problem talking about myself. And I managed to blather on quite a bit...but I also hesitated and held back. I suppose trust will have to be built.

I am more uncomfortable with doing this than I thought I would be. I have done therapy, briefly, for various particular things before, but this feels different. I feel like I'm sort of needing this more than I have in the past, and that makes it harder to handle emotionally. I also feel like some of the reasons I need it more (i.e. don't have as many friends to talk to) make it tougher to deal with, because I am more insecure about it to the degree that it's something I need.

Other people aren't exactly thrilled to be going to therapy, either. The office has four or five counselors working in it, so I saw some people come and go as I waited for my appointment time. Nobody made eye contact (well, I tried, because I refuse to feel shameful about this, if I can help it) on the way in or on the way out...but it may not have anything to do with shame. Maybe more about privacy and the like. Coming out of the offices into the waiting room is intense, because you sort of would like to have a decompression chamber or something, which I suppose is a testament to the fact that I really did feel comfortable while I was in talking with her.

If I keep going (still unsure whether I can afford it), there will be posts ad nauseum about it, but that's it for now...


Filed under:
Health and Therapy

Body o' Flux
It's really weird, the way my body feels today. I didn't work out last night because I felt a cold coming on. Instead I went home to bed, and boy was that a good decision, I think. I feel better today, and it was just a good thing for me to do mentally, to head home and just nest for a night. But I also decided to 'binge' a bit on a burrito and some chocolate chip cookies.

Thing is, even such 'binges' are much different for me now. I ate half of a burrito, and some guac/chips. Usually I eat a third of a burrito and some guac/chips. Then I made some cookies--8 of 'em. And I couldn't finish them. Plus, I just felt bloated and icky last night (partly because of being sick, I think), and I didn't at all experience what I remember from binges past--a feeling of fullness that was comforting. Feeling full isn't comforting any longer.

That's a pretty big deal for me. And while I think of it as mostly positive, I wonder/worry a bit. Shouldn't I be able to gain some pleasure from that, sometimes? Will I reach a point where I don't eat enough because I don' t like the way any food in my stomach feels? That's not likely to happen any time soon, actually, but I remember a friend of mine who would 'feel fat' around her belly in a very negative way anytime that she had just eaten. I don't think I want to feel that way.

The key to avoiding that, I think, is exercise.(Not that I have to avoid wasting away, mind you. But still, I want to be as healthy as I can--body and mind and all that--so I want my body image to be healthy, as well as my body; and, as might be obvious, one doesn't follow from the other in enough ways, currently.) If I had exercised last night, I wouldn't have felt like having so much food at all--and even if I had, I think I would have felt better (minus the cold) at any rate.

And now, this morning, my body feels really, really big, and not in the good way. I ate a larger-than-normal breakfast (two bannannas in my oatmeal!) just because I felt hungry, but ever since I've now felt bloated and icky (bein a wee bit sick probably has something to do with it, still) and decidedly not hungry at all.

It's just very strange that my body, which hasn't changed much in, oh, the past 6 hours, feels like it has changed a LOT in that time. Back and forth a bit, even. And the links between those feelings and how I imagine my body looks are so very strong as to seem sort of unbreakable. Given that they might be, I'm going to try to have some more positive ways of imagining my body, so that the feelings I have 'in my body' will be happier ones in general.



Filed under:

Health

Baby Steps

Moving right along with the therapy stuff. I don't know that I'm going to be able to afford to do it the way I think it would really help me. Or, perhaps, right at first I just don't have the momentum to look for the best way to do it (i.e. some good, cheap therapy), so I'm going to perhaps pay more than I ought to for a little while as I figure out what I really want and need regarding all of this stuff. I sort of feel like this: If I let the money stop me right at first, I'll never get it off the ground. So, I'll spend more than I ought to at first with the goal of figuring out the best thing to do (which may very well be not having a therapist or finding a cheaper one). I've given up some stuff in my budget in order to do it for a few months at least, so we'll see.

I have a budget. A real one. Not one that I'm 'thinking of doing,' but one that I've had for a few months now. It's not perfect, but I'm working on it, and that's a good thing. Slowly but surely I do think I'm climbing out of some holes; with a little bit of luck I'll make it out for the long-term. A little good luck never hurt.

I am starting to recognize that the slow-and-steady-wins-the-race attitude is really the only one I'm going to be able to work with. The negative is that it sure doesn't feel like progress sometimes. But changing my attitude for what counts as progress is part of the process itself, really. This morning, before I talked to a potential counselor, I was going over my finances, trying to find some money to do the therapy thing. I was getting frustrated, because I just don't really have the money to do it the way I'd like--but then I realized a little later that I really have improved in so many ways: I have a fucking budget to look at and try to work something out with. I have a way to try to save money. I am not avoiding my money problems, but rather trying to face them. And even if I'm failing in some sense (i.e. if I can't go the therapy route), I am at least succeeding in some small way in that I at least know that I can't yet afford it. Knowing that may not make a whole lot of difference--but most likely it will make a difference. I'll be able to set therapy as a goal, to plan for it financially and such. And that sort of success matters--or at least it ought to.

Be Nice to Me On Wednesday
I'll have my first appointment this Tuesday. I'm thinking I might be pretty distraught by the time it's over, actually. The people I've known who've been going to therapy long-term end up a bit tender for a few days after a session, especially right at first. I'm thinking that lotsa cans of lotsa worms will be opened. Or maybe not. But still, I'm looking forward to at least trying this, even if it doesn't turn out to be what I want (or what I can afford).

If this therapist isn't a good fit for me, I have a couple of other options at the moment, and more to explore if I need/want to. So things are looking up on that front and I'm happy with myself that I'm trying to be happier--trying all sorts of ways that I can.